"Where's your Mummy?"
These three words are one of the biggest annoyances for me
as a Single Dad; it doesn't matter where I go with the two boys because it
seems that I always hear these three words.
It is difficult for me because in some situations I can
shrug it off but in others I can't.
I truly believe that children benefit greatly by having a
range of adult role models in their life and subsequently we see lots of
different structures of families and styles of parenting.
So why is the world centred on Mummies being the core care
provider?
I recently experienced a situation that made me see the
value of not asking this question and not to look at generalised stereotypical
set up for families:
Whilst my youngest was in hospital after having an Asthma Attack I was unable to fully get hold of his Mum to be there so went I went
the distance by myself. (Follow the link
above to see why)
Two nurses asked me the above question; the first nurse in,
what I felt, a harsh way: "Dad what are you doing here, where's his
Mum?"
The second was a little better; "Where's your Mummy
James? We don't usually get many Dads’ by themselves"
In both cases I was cross. And I hope you can see why.
Being a Single, Stay at home, Dad is hard enough at times especially
without being questioned to why you are next to your 3 year old sons’ hospital
bed.
(Who wouldn’t want to be there looking after their child? I know if I could
have reached his Mum she would have rushed there; I wouldn’t have left though)
I never hear Mums being questioned where Daddy is.
(Unless I
just don't see that part from where I am)
But, sadly, I'm used to it but whilst sitting there I was
thinking about how inappropriate that question is. There are many single Dads’
out there coping with parenthood by themselves due to bereavement.
How upsetting would it be to the child, as well as the
adult, to ask that question? A friend of mine actually went through this and he
would tell me of many situations where he coped with two grieving young
children who had just been asked this question.
I am lucky that the Boys can find a confident answer to
where there mummy is; neither I nor they should have to though.
Seeing any Parent or Guardian, with children should be seen
as a happy blessing not for someone to question.
Just think before you speak.
Mums or Dad's, or even Guardians, do you get asked these
stupid questions?
49 comments:
I have said the same thing so often!
I had to take my boy to the hospital a few weeks ago, and the female doctor asked my toddler "where is your daddy?" and when i said he doesnt see him, she went onto say "thats a shame, he must look like him because he looks nothing like you. He should see his daddy".
WTF??!!! I didnt even register it until I got home, I dont get why they feel they can ask about things like that at all, just concentrate on the ill person!
Thanks for linking to #singleparentlinky and hope to see you again next week!
It's such an inappropriate question they have no idea what the situation is and could subsequently cause upset to the child, let alone to the parent. And it is also none of their business.
That isn't why they're there and shouldn't push their opinions on anyone.
Sorry that you've gone through it too, although am glad I'm not the only one.
I'm sure you'll see me next week too.
This is shocking, I have never noticed these things before but I may well ask my other half to see if he ever gets asked (although Oliver is only 2!). But there are also children out there with two dads and no mummy!
In this modern world it seems a bit silly to assume that a child should always be with their mother.
I agree it is silly but is surprising how often it happens. There are so many different family groups and types you would think that it would be different in the age. And as it shows above with Claire comment that it happens to mums as well.
Quite sad really. Would be interesting to see if you notice anything now we've discussed it.
I think you're right to feel at least a bit annoyed. Such comments are insensitive at best, if not just downright rude. There you are being the dutiful parent and it's as if you're some second class citizen.
Nowhere near as bad, but I often take 2 or all 3 of our kids out shopping and for coffee at weekends to give their mum a break. I actively enjoy it and I've had all 3 on my own for a week before so a couple of hours is no big deal - but some of the patronising looks and comments I get are irritating. "Are you okay?" "Are you sure you can cope?" Well, yes, actually, I am. I'm sitting here coping just fine and looking anything buy hassled and harried. So why do you assume I'm incompetent?
I agree martyn. It doesn't make sense. It's just not a necessary question. There could be so many answers to that question that put a child or a dad in a tough spot. A parent is a parent whether mom or dad.
That must be such a hard question to hear all the time and must make you feel like second fiddle. As you state for the bereaved father this question must be heartbreaking. Times really do need to change and realise that fathers may take on more of the parenting role. I hope your little one was ok btw. ️Xx #bigfatlinky
Oh dear oh dear oh dear. I have faced that question too. It was from a nurse who ADFTER giving my daughter an innocluation physically starting look round the room before asking "where's your wife?" Offended? Oh yes, just a bit...and I'm simply a stay at home dad, not a single parent. That said, I had to take the eldest to hospital this week following a bump she had. I normally make perfrectly clear I'm main carer in the first few seconds of meeting a medical professional. On this occasion I didn't, just to see what happened. I have to say I was treated perfectly! It made such a pleasant change.
You're absolutely right and it would make me feel cross too. They could be opening an entire can of worms with that comment and possibly cause the most awful amount of upset. x
You're so right, I had no idea this happened but how ridiculous. It's such an old fashioned outlook and like you say, it could really upset someone! #bigfatlinky
When I started reading this post I had a thought (which was wrong) what it was about and so was thinking to myself when would I ask "where's your mummy?" and the only instance I can think of is if I came across a lost child at which point I would ask mummy/daddy/who is looking after you?
Must ask my other half if he ever gets this, think the culture in the middle east is a little different though and often dads are the ones with the kids. In fact its the only place I have lived (you know, with London and Dubai being the 2 places I lived with a baby!) or visited that has baby changing in the male toilets not just the disabled!!
#bigfatlinky
It amazes me how ingrained stereotypical ideas are. I see people being sexist on a daily basis, without even realising. We need to make a concerted effort to break this cycle, starting with our children.
I can completely see why that would make you angry. My dad brought me up and he used to have to answer the same questions as I did at school etc. It equally annoys me when people ask me if my other half is 'babysitting' our son, no he's being a dad and taking care of him!
#BigFatLinky
Becky x
This is so sad to hear, and very inappropriate. I'd hope no one would say that to hubby if I wasn't there.
Thank you for hosting #bigfatlinky
Thanks for commenting! You're right it's really rude and insensitive.
Especially when in situations like I was in where any parent would be there caring for their child.
I've had those comments too like you've mentioned. It's frustrating because we're in that situation trying our best. Doing what all dad's should do but despite this it's like we're second rate and expected to fail or struggle.
Thanks Casey. I think that's it; it isn't a necessary thing to say or relevant to their questions.
He was in the end thank you. I was a bit sleep deprived and stressed but ultimately it was all ok for him. The fact that we live in a world where there are different setups to parenting it is still shocking that we're not moving forward with our stereotypes.
Am glad John that I'm not the only one to have this put to them and it's quite easy to get offended by it.
That's cool that you were treated perfectly. There instances where I've been treated brilliantly and not questioned which is fab. Just a shame that it isn't a normal thing yet.
I think that's the thing, like I mentioned in the post, it could seriously damage a child's emotional well being. My friend had to be strong after he lost his wife because it was raw for him bit more so for his children. Thoughtless act.
It's surprising how often it happens. In some ways I'm use to it in others I get cross because I shouldn't have to be.
That's brilliant by the sounds of it. Puts our country to shame thinking we're so behind with it all.
Couldn't agree more. There's still so many stereotypes around its only through the next generation that we can change it.
It must have been harder for him back then. You'd think a bit now that it would have changed more. It's a shame that it hasn't bit doing posts like this and showing our children a different way will stop it.
Thanks for commenting. It's a nightmare. Would be interested to know if your hubby has ever come across it.
Oh well said - personally the think before you open your mouth applies to so many situations! #bigfatlinky
I'm sure it is usually meant in the nicest way (although that first nurse sounds a disgrace!) but a little thought should be taken be people, especially when they have no idea of the family make up.
I honestly don't think I've been asked that in such a way (I've had the baby sitting comments of course but cant recall any of the kids being asked where mummy is when I'm stood there).
I've seen this alot also, I feel sorry for Mr J, it affects him that he's not seen to be as important a parent as Mummy is. Very unprofessional for doctors and nurses too!
Our 3 yr old got admitted to hospital whilst I was on a course 200 miles away! It took me 6 hours to get home and I don't think anybody said anything inappropriate to my husband in that time. He is having some issues with taking our 5 yr old daughter to the toilet though!
I just realised that sounded weird! I mean my 5 yr old will look at men's willies and pass comments in the gents but my husband can't take her in the ladies! She's not really confident in a public toilet on her own . How do other dad's deal with this?
Oh wow, that's awful! I haven't had to deal with the same thing but when Boo went to the hospital both my husband and I went with her and we actually found that healthcare professional completely ignored whatever my husband said in answer to any questions and just turned to me and waited for my answer... very rude to say the least.
Thanks for commenting. Definitely, sadly people don't think sometimes.
I think you're right Ashley and there are times when it's said in a way that's meant to be nice. I do think personally these things happen a lot to me lol I'm just one of those people.
Thanks. I agree. It's strange when it happens as both boys really don't see a difference. As far as they're concerned daddy's there so it's ok. I suppose people wouldn't automatically think of the children which is why I mentioned about the bereaved but in circumstances like this doctors and nurses really should
That must have been horrible for you to know that you were so far away. I know the boys mum was devastated by it...which is understandable as I would be too.
Lol strangely I knew what you meant. Having two boys it's strange so can't really comment as they are in the men's with men and usually segregated in the ladies cubicle. Would be interested to know that myself.
That's shocking but it also doesn't surprise me either. I've heard this a lot. It's why I love the dad network logo "cos men have babies too" I think sometimes we ate easily over looked.
Thank you for this post. I was a single parent for 3 years, luckily I never experienced this kind of stereotyping, i do sympathise! I do agree it is defiantly one sided no the fathers! It must be very upsetting, not only for yourself but your child. I'm now with a partner and we often get people presuming he is my daughters father and reffering to him as dad to her. This can be very awkward, in some situations, but we are getting used to it. We shouldn't have to, In 2015 you would think this kind of sterotyping and assumptions would no longer exist. It's very sad that it does. Th comments the nurses made to you are inappropriate and I'm not sure I would of not been able to hold my tongue and give them what's for! We can only hope people learn to be more open minded.
Thanks for commenting. I think that's it; we live in 2015 that some of those stereotypes shouldn't exist but they do. I can imagine though that in your situation it's still awkward. Tbh I was so exhausted that I didn't have much effort to do much that be there for james by then I hadn't slept or eaten in 24 hours so needed as much energy focused in other places or I would have spoken my mind!
It seems inconceivable that people cannot understand that a dad is the main carer. This is a very thought provoking post #bigfatlinky
Thank you and thanks for commenting! It is strange considering that we live in this day and age but hopefully this will help it move forward in the future
I really feel for you mate. I remember you talking about that time in hospital. I'm so glad to read the boys have an answer as that must make it a little easier.
I've read through the comments and I am speechless about yours Claire Jacobs! That is literally beyond belief.
Great point made by Unexpectant Mother too.
If only people thought before they spoke!
Great post buddy.
Yes! My boy is constantly being asked 'Where's your daddy?' and 'Who is your mummy?' when out with my wife and me. I'm very glad he doesn't understand yet. Think we're going to be having some pretty heavy conversations much earlier than thought.
You make such a great point about asking that question in front of the child with the possibility that the mother is no longer living. Some people need to think more before they speak. #BigFatLinky
It's a tough one. In some ways I'm pleased the boys are used to it and have an answer, yet in other ways they shouldn't have to. It's a comfort hearing others have experienced this although is still just as shocking that it happens still. Glad it's sparked conversation from everyone though.
It's a nightmare isn't it? I just don't get why people don't think before they speak. Would save a lot of deeper conversations with the kids. That being said it's only through them that it'll change. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Thanks Mike. It's a tough one. My friend even yo this day has to bite his tongue slightly and politely explain their situation. Which is a shame. You never really know the back story involved so best to think first.
Must be very hard and sorry you feel the way you do but it's a very common thing now. As they get older I'm sure it will get a little easier x
Thanks for commenting! it is hard I agree and sadly it is common but it shouldn't be not at all. Dads can have equal parenting rights and even then they can be sole parents of care. Within our modern age of equality I often hope that the quick judgement to over look dad's in search of the mother would stop. Because as I pointed out it isn't always known what happens in the past for the dad to be there in that moment. My friend for example lost his wife and 8 years on neither him or his children have quite got use to the concept of people asking them out right where their mum is. A parent is a parent at the end of the day. I would hope that it becomes less common.
MY situation is different. As a foster carer I always make it clear to medical professionals that I'm not the child's mummy and yet most persist in calling me "Mum" (I have a name!) over and over again. For older children it can be upsetting to hear it being explained in front of them, and then to hear their carer being called their mum when I'm not. I'd have thought something should be included in training about being sensitive to individual family situations and not making assumptions.
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