Wednesday 25 February 2015

Questioning Myself.

This is a difficult post for me to write.

This is so frustrating for me especially after the success of an earlier post this month about the fact that men don’t talk; the responses via Facebook, Twitter, emails and comments was fantastic. Yet I sit here and I realise I am still not talking!

Yet every time I do I continue to struggle to find what I want to write. Everything seems very depressing and I know that is where my mind-set is but when I read it back to check for spelling and grammar then my mind jumps straight to “No one wants to read this”



I have been struggling these last 2 weeks. I have received a lot of personal directed hate off of people and subsequently it knocked me a bit. Completely understandable though; there's only a certain amount of times that you can receive directed comments to your appearance, situation or personality until that one comment breaks itself in.

But the truth was that these comments had got to me. I was in fact quite lonely.

The personalised attacks have really triggered different things:

Triggers and things that trigger me are a key point when it comes to my mental health; this being said though it is difficult for people to understand unless they are aware that there are events and emotions that can trigger your mood.

Triggers are any external events or circumstances that may produce very uncomfortable emotional or psychiatric symptoms, such as anxiety, panic, discouragement, despair, or negative self-talk.

I have quite a few triggers; they relate to different traumatic events in my past and will convey different emotional responses.  These comments will play on my feelings that I might have due to my insecurities.

The thing is that I have been single for a long while now. There was a time when being single was good. It was freeing. I got to spend time with my children. It opened up me to have the opportunity to really get into blogging. But the strange thing was that in the spaces between I realised how lonely I am. There is a certain amount of adult interaction that I am missing.

A friend of mine was feeling the same and through discussions we thought a bit of online dating would be good; give me a bit if a boost, allow me to meet people and to allow me to see that the world isn't full of people who want to spread their anger towards me. So subsequently from this I joined, with the help from my friend, two different dating sites.

Two things happened though:

1: My friend had great success; they received likes, messages and even got telephone numbers off potential people. This is great and I am truly happy for them.

2: I got nothing; I haven't received a single like, view, match or message; not through the want or trying.

Online dating is fickle I know this. It is based on initial attraction or want for the picture you provide. At that point if you get that you enter into that persons profile see if they're a match. Then if you feel that they are you talk.

At the latter point life and differences can get in the way. The problem I face is that I haven't got past that initial stage. So why?

One can say that I have bad photos possibly. Maybe that it's not showing my possible appeal. The thing with this that my friend and I chose the best pictures the ones where I looked at my best; no bad picture in sight. So then what conclusion can I make? What conclusion would you make?

I searched online for different reasons; this became even more heart breaking. You find two reasons:

1: From people promoting dating sites; change your photo upload something new and show yourself differently.

Or

2: come to terms that you might not be as good looking as you think and once you have come to that conclusion work on your profile personality and show off a good confident, individual, conversation starter.

I read these in many places and it has truly left me broken hearted. I was always under the impression that I had some looks and it was just my 'baggage' that caused problems. I realise now that this isn't the case. The best possible photos were chosen, not just any old one, and subsequently then that point 2 is more realistic.

But what can I do?

Socially and meeting people when out has made me hear comments that has made my social anxiety grow massively in the last year. Comments from some, obviously, nasty people that aim directed attacks i.e. about me physical health:  “Who would go to the shops and buy a dented can of food when there is a perfectly good one next to it”

Everyone says my personality and heart is great. I hear that I am one of the kindest, sweetest and most caring men going, as well as the positive comments about my passion, intelligence and creativity. However, if I can’t interact with people face to face or online what do I have left? It creates a vicious cycle back and forth between loneliness and not being able to break out of it for one reason or another.

I go to work in a pub on a Monday Evening as a quiz master and go to Church on a Sunday but other than that I don’t go out.

So going out and meeting people is difficult and if I do venture out then my anxiety plays up or my self-esteem is low from prior comments.

I have one person that I interact with every day. They are amazing and I do adore them and our friendship but they live miles away so is only ever around through messages and phone calls. Yet that is even difficult. They have a life to live as well and are the one who is having success socially and with dating and all I do is feeling like I am stopping them from doing things. I even know from the past incidents that they have missed things because of me. So I can’t be that selfish can I, I have to learn to live by myself. They continue to check up on me but I am aware that it’s a burden.

My friend said tonight that they have had a bad day and need a pampering session and I agree they do. They have also neglected their work and wanted to concentrate on that as well tonight. They very kindly told me that they couldn’t phone and would just message but then later said that they would be putting their phone on silent so they can’t be distracted. Which all of these things I agree with and think it is good and will benefit them. But why then at this moment do I feel even more alone than normal?

I know that I am overly sensitive to everything and shouldn’t take anything personally. I should look at my positives and be grateful for what I have and what is being offered rather than being selfish and wanting to have connections to the real world. But the truth is I do feel isolated. I feel that my online connections is being thwarted for the above reasons, I feel like I can’t go out for the above reasons and now feel that I can’t even talk to the one person I do talk to because they need their space, which again I agree with, but all these things seem to have become a block in my life that has highlighted my loneliness even more.

This has left me feeling completely hopeless and feeling alone. My already low confidence and self-esteem issues have dropped and I can't seem to see anything positive. It's made me question if the attitude of others mentioned above is justified and that even my inner self isn't able to shine through.

I'm not writing this for sympathy but because Men Don't Talk, especially about feelings and emotions, if I can stand here and say yes I am low and I am struggling then I will, at least, continue to lead by example.
When the Dust Settles

24 comments:

Single Mother Ahoy said...

Oh, Martyn. I can relate to so much of this. I wish I could tell you how to fix it but I think we both know that's not possible.
It's good to post about it and talk about it though, even if that's just to get it all out of your head.
I would say avoid online dating at all costs; if you're not in the right frame of mind where you could happily deal with a few knock backs like water off a duck's back, it's best avoided. Otherwise you end up getting all personaly upset about someone you don't even know and wouldn't have even wanted to date any way, not wanting to date you!
When you're feeling a bit sensitive and insecure, I find it's best to avoid situations that could make you feel worse - until you're feeling a bit better. Hope that makes sense.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Vicky. I wasn't low before but online dating just made me feel ever so much worse. I was feeling confident and could have pushed away negative comments if I had something positive, however small, to go by. But to have nothing and my pre existing comments really struck me. Suddenly a unsure feeling made me feel more isolated than ever. Definitely feel like it's an impossible task a head now.
I do wish I hadn't have listened to my friend and not tried it but we both thought it would be positive.
I will be avoiding it now.

Moderate Mum said...

Thank you for writing such an honest post. And don't beat yourself up for putting yourself out there, there's no reward without risks so congratulate yourself on trying something new. If it's not for you, it's not for you. I think online dating can be a bit impersonal and you are obviously such a warm caring person it might not be the right environment for you to express yourself. May I ask which site you tried, if you were tempted to try again maybe you could consider a Christian dating site such as Christian Conection if you haven't? I feel like the ethos might be more up your street.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thank you. And thank you for reading and commenting.
I've tried match.com, tinder and 2 online sites for disabled people. Last year was on Christian connection so know the site well but again last year I had zero views, likes or messages. Like the other sites it's not from not trying. Where I have sent hundreds of messages, winks and likes etc. I had little success with plenty of fish but that was 7 messages in 3 years. Still again not through trying.
I don't know what else to try. Socially I'm anxious and when I do venture out I have nasty women saying unnecessarily horrible comments mainly about my disability.

It's starting to make me think that I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place to look.

Lucy Howard said...

Oh Martyn, thank you for writing such a brave and emotional post. It is terribly difficult to pull yourself up when you are feeling low. Events that you would normally ignore take on new meaning and can be like a punch in the gut. I agree with Vicky, online dating is probably the worst possible thing for you at this time. Instead of focusing on meeting a "special someone" could you maybe just look at meeting more new people? Is there a local evening class that you could join or a church home or cell group? I know it is so hard to step out of you comfort zone when your self confidence is at rock bottom and you are plagued by anxiety. Maybe you could try and take small steps towards your goals. One day at a time. And as for those women who made unnecessarily comments about you and your disability. Well, that says a hell of a lot about them and nothing about you. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Thanks for sharing. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

Plutonium Sox said...

Great post as always. I completely understand that when you're feeling low, nothing anybody can say will make you feel better so I'm not going to try. Just remember that the low feeling isn't forever and neither is the loneliness. When you do meet someone, they'll be worth the wait. And in the meantime, you are an amazing blogger, friend and dad and a good looking bloke. It's quite sickening actually, can't you at least pretend not to be so perfect to make the rest of us feel better ;)

Martyn Kitney said...

Thank you for reading and commenting. And for your support. I'm already part of a home group with church. That's a tricky place because being a small village church there are not many active Christians my age. I'm the youngest in the group everyone else is aged between 55 and 70. So meeting people through that is extremely difficult even just for friendship. Really difficult to become friends with someone almost twice your age however lovely they are. Evening class again is difficult being a small rial town/village. My location isn't ideal for that
But I know what you mean....entering more social situations to widen the people I know would make me feel less alone friendship or more.
Everyone locally is quite judgemental as well regarding my health, my divorced status or the fact that I'm a single dad (single dad's really have a bad name around here) so get a lot of unnecessary comments. Sometimes easier than others to shrug it off. I'd like to think that the nasty comments highlights them and not me as a person. I will look after myself though just an on going struggle at the moment.

Gary Mathews said...

Keep your head up Martyn and don't change yourself for any bs "societal" rules. Online dating is a total crap shoot in the states and I'm sure it's the same over there. Keep doing what your doing that made you whole again after you separated. The right person will eventually find you for YOU and not because you look like some chiseled Adonis. You are a survivor don't demean yourself or think you aren't deserving of love.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting Natalie! As always I appreciate it. Thanks for your kind words and support. :-) am trying to see an end goal but slightly difficult but am trying at least and that is the start.
Lol!! Very far from perfect but thank you.

Ashley Beolens said...

You don't need to question yourself, there is nothing wrong with you. Not that self reflection isn't good. The only problem is that people can be dicks! end of. Ignore them and move on (yeah I know easier said than done). Sorry you've had a hard time of late, but I'm sure things will pick up soon.

Unknown said...

That couldn't have been easy for you to write Martyn. One thing I can say for sure, is that you're not a burden. You are a great friend and always there to listen to my grumbles even though we've never met.
As for the online dating, everyone has different tastes. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so they say. You're a good man and that's what's important. There will be someone out there for you, it's just a matter of waiting (which isn't easy isn't know). I'm alway here if you want a chat mate. Sorry if I've rambled on. Keep ya chin up mate :)

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting Gary! That's the thing really feel like I need to change who I am because me isn't working. To be honest haven't felt completely whole since the divorce. I hope so. Thanks for your kind words.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting Ashley! Is easier said than done and I will try though. Thanks.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting Tommy. And for your kind words. Feel like one a lot of the time. I hope so. Waited for so long already. Thanks for your kind words.

Unknown said...

Hi Martyn, I won't say too much as have only got into reading your blog. All I can say is this is a really brave and honest post and hopefully getting some of this down will have helped a bit anyway. I can only "know" you through your writing and you have 2 gorgeous boys to be so proud of an an amazing blog. It is easier for me to say tell everyone who is nasty and makes completely insensitive and idiotic comments to you to get stuffed! But it must be harder to do when you are on the receiving end. I'd agree with others forget online dating as like a lot of online stuff it can be fake and not real. If people are only going to go on one photo they musn't be worth knowing. I met my husband on Facebook by accident. We got chatting via a mutual friend and I can tell you now I didn't fancy him one bit from his pictures! I said that to loads of people too!!! (Have since told him that!!) It was chatting and getting to know him and actually meeting him before those feelings came. That's how it should be. I'm sure when you meet someone properly it will too. I'm always happy to get an email or facebook message if you ever fed up. I've had anxiety in the past and it sucks but you will get through it xxx

ps I actually said more than planned now.

Mother Mands said...

You do have to have a really thick skin for online dating and definitely have to be in the right frame of mind as others have already mentioned. I can't completely know online dating though as I met my now husband on OKCupid, we've been together for 4.5 years and all the awful dates, perverts and idiots was worth it in the long run. The only suggestion I can make if you do have another bash at the dating sites is, you make the first move! A lot of women seem to leave it to the men to write, wink, etc. first (I didn't, but I have no patience). Also I put one or two 'nice' photos, then I put a few horrific ones of myself, I believe in complete honesty so if people don't like me at my worst, well they can clear off. Keep it light hearted, honest and take it all with a pinch of salt yourself!

Your post is extremely open and honest and I agree that men should be quite comfortable being able to show their emotions, at least then you can gain some support. Have a break from it all for a bit, then go at it with a fresh view! ;) Will be keep checking back!

Mother Mands said...

P.s. My friend suffers from quite severe anxiety, he's on a date on Saturday after little to no success with online dating, the tide has turned and he's had quite a bit of interest! Sometimes it's just timing!

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting Sarah. I know it's difficult isn't it knowing what to say when you really don't know someone. It easier I get a lot of abuse and the majority of the time ill tell them to get stuffer but occasionally it's hard than you'd think and the odd bit creeps in. I hope so. Like with your husband I had the same when I was married. Never actually Been fancied by anyone so my self esteem is difficult there. But I hold hope that someone with find my personality attractive again and see me more. Thanks for your kind words and for the offer.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for your comment. I have been making the first move I didn't for 6 months and got nothing. When I did make the first move I had 7 dates in 4 years. And nothing came of them. Thanks for the tips though. I always tried to stick by them. To be honest I have no idea why it hasn't worked. It's what has upset me this time. I keep going back in a good frame of mind like this time and getting nothing. Maybe it's not for me. That's good for your friend. Well let's hope that one day it'll happen and change for me. 4 years is getting tough.

Jim (OneDadOneBlog) said...

As much as this post isn't a happy subject for you Martyn, the braveness and honesty you have shown in writing it and putting it in the public domain shows how much of a strong person you actually are, despite you maybe not feeling it.
Many people would keep these feelings locked up and only make things worse for themselves. Love isn't meant to be easy, certainly if you want to find the right person and like others have said, if someone wants to judge you on a few pictures then maybe they aren't right for you.
Doesn't make it easier I know however I would possibly suggest the first thing to work on is to stop putting so much pressure on yourself as any knock backs, (which will happen to anyone not just yourself) will hurt, maybe see if you can venture out to some evening classes, places where you are out of your usual social circles and where you and others maybe are out of their comfort zones. You'd be surprised how much our sink or swim reflexes kick in and before you know it your talking to everyone. Its about building networks, whether that is through your fantastic blog, Facebook (as someone has suggested) or in everyday life. Once you build up these quality networks, people will realise how much of a wonderful person you are, inside and out.

Keep you chin up, you have plenty to be proud and thankful for and keep blogging. :-)

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting and for your kind words Jim. Still makes me uneasy that I wrote and published it but am equally pleased that at the same time I did. Wasn't easy but you're right it would have been worse bottling it all up.
Pressure on myself is equally torn I have no expectations but at the same time I have lots too. The pressure does make it difficult when facing some challenges.
I have looked into other activities, evening classes or clubs something outside the norm. Difficult in that a lot involve physical challenges that I can not venture or people of a greater age and generation that has led me feeling more isolated. I will however endeavour to look again.
As for building up networks this has been my goal for 4 years now. Entering social situations despite my social anxiety, mixing with new people, discussions within church and groups and even picking up more work that takes me into social situations like my job at a pub as quiz master. It's been my goal to do this. Sadly though however much I've tried nothing has come up and although I'm seen as lovely and kind etc I never get invited places or interacted with however much I have tried. The blog is great as I know, especially since this post, that I have a great community of people. Maybe venturing more with these people will open more opportunities.

Unknown said...

Hi Martyn,

Gosh, I think you're so so amazing for being so open and honest and do you know what the first thing that struck me was? This is just all totally normal! I think we shift a gear when we have kids and/ or have any other life changing events. Life changes and change can be very unsettling. I think we cope less well as we get older and our hormone levels fluctuate, which makes us more emotionally labile I think. You sounds absolutely normal to me and I think internet dating lives in it's own whole category and shouldn't be confused with real life. I know it's very successful for some people but generally I think it can do more harm than good. It sets us up to believe that a certain currency values our worth (e.g. likes, messages, comments etc. Not unlike blogging actually ;). BUT it's what the people who know you in real life think of you is your true currency I think. I can others who don't know you possibly put a value on your life? You're clearly extremely valuable according to the people that really know.
Thank you so much for such a thought provoking post x

Martyn Kitney said...

Thank you for commenting! I do think you're right. It is normal; life changes and can leave you unsettled. Again you're right. Online dating does set you up to believe a certain way. Because subsequently I don't fit into that when I know others do so well has done me more harm than good. Due to my disability people don't tend to associate me through initial interaction. I know it shouldn't be but it does. It's an awkward elephant in the room. Online however is different especially with blogging; I know I've made great friendships here through people knowing highs and lows and are still lovely and like me for me. Hence though I kinda believed online dating might have been the same. I wish it was just easier for the people who do know me, like me, admire me or even enjoy my blogging couldn't sell me out. I know though this is only something I can do.
Thanks for the positive lovely comments.

Ashley Beolens said...

Still a great post, very honest. Thanks for linking up with my mental health linky, great to see another guys posts on there, as you say men don't talk enough, so the more of us who do the better.